Dr. Doolittle may have been able to chat to a chimp in chimpanzee, and if people asked him, “Can you speak in rhinoceros?” he’d say, "Of courserous, can't you?"" But Dr. Doolittle didn’t have to deal with customers or sales associates, the two lowest forms of humanity on the planet…next to paramecium that is.
 
Scientists report that chimpanzees can understand up to 120 words (in sign language). Dogs can understand up to 150 words and two dozen commands. So, I’d place your average customer and sales associate comprehension somewhere right in between a chimp and a dog. So the sales associate at Forever 21 will be the chimp and I’ll be the dog.
 
CHIMP: (scratching himself and eating a banana) Is this the one you wanted?
DOG: This is a camera.
CHIMP: Yeah. Is it…
DOG: I asked for a CD burner for my…
CHIMP: You must be the wrong guy. I was looking for…
DOG: No, you were speaking to me. I asked for a CD burner.
CHIMP: Are you sure?
DOG: Yeah. I’m positive.
CHIMP: Do you know which one?
DOG: (pointing towards advertised special)
CHIMP: We’re out of that.
 
Okay, frazzled I go to Starbucks, and here’s what happens there…
 
DOG: I’ll have a grande caramel apple spice with whipped cream and three vanilla bean scones.
CHIMP: That’s a vanilla bean frappe with a shot of caramel and spice?
DOG: No, I asked for a grande caramel apple spice with whipped cream and three vanilla bean scones.
CHIMP: You want three vanilla bean frappes with a shot of caramel and spice?
DOG: No, I asked for a grande caramel apple spice with whipped cream and three vanilla bean scones.
CHIMP: Say that again.
DOG: I want a grande…. caramel apple spice…. with whipped cream… and three vanilla bean scones.
CHIMP: Are you sure this time?
DOG: This time?
(The manager comes over and asks what the problem is.)
CHIMP: He keeps changing his mind. I’m not a mind reader!
Exasperated the manager says: “Just give him whatever he wants.”
 
I could have cursed in fluent kangaroo.

–Ron Knoth, Guest Blogger